Jonathan’s Testimony

From Ashes to Beauty

I heard the sirens and noticed the police cars turn the corner into a residential area to a corner house where I was pursuing my victim, I was the assailant, and I tossed a box cutter razor on the lawn and took the sock from my arm (I didn’t want to leave any prints on the weapon.) I was out of breath and collapsed and asked for attention from the paramedics that showed up on the scene. It was May 5th 1999, Cinco De Mayo, I didn’t have any idea at the time, but those that were in the Jail talked about my arrest in the paper and as to congratulate me for my crime. I didn’t know what I was in for, but I knew that my crime had landed me some serious charges and I wasn’t about to call home, I wasn’t close to my family at the time anyway. I was behind bars, locked up, and I was bound. I was using drugs at this point in my life, I was at this guy’s house and my only desire was for pleasure, I was an I.V. drug user, that’s not something you think you are going to do with your life when you are asked in elementary school, what do you want to be when you grow up? I was concerned about myself. I needed to feel good because I didn’t feel anything but misery, I felt pain, I felt emptiness, no good, I wanted to forget and drugs were more important to me than any strain I might put on my body, I needed to feel good and if it had to be drug induced, I accepted it gladly because It alleviated my hurting inside at least for a while. I was arrested for attempted murder that day and I was guilty of the crime.

As a boy I kept to myself, I would have friends as I grew, but I would only have a couple close relationships, no one I would really talk in depth to, just a lot of time spent together, I wasn’t one to communicate my feelings to people and that grew with me as I grew older. The home that I grew up in was a home that you wouldn’t have wanted to grow up in, no Father figure, he left when I was young, I don’t know the age of 6 or so and later he came back into my life in my teenage years. My mom did the best she could with what she had, I love my mother. She worked a lot to provide for where my dad was lacking, he didn’t support us until later. I grew up with no discipline and was neglected as a boy. I grew up in the heavy metal 80’s with bands like Iron Maiden and Ozzy Osbourne. I wanted to be liked, and found out I liked to feel good at an early aged. My house had no rules. Sometimes a house will have a few rules, ours had none. I would be introduce to drugs at the age of 13 that will be a part of my life and existence for 10 years to come. My house was open to those who had this same thing in common and all the socializing was centered around what to ingest for pleasure, we did what we wanted. The countless hours wasted. I was abused verbally, I was made to feel worthless by so called friends of the family; One friend who stayed with us for a while whose name was Mark, I feel he was in my life just to ruin it. I did not want him at the house, but what could I do as a kid. I had to endure his countless attacks on me, name calling, provoking till I would cry, being closed into a closet, held down underneath his weight, underneath blankets, a kid being paid to get in a fight with me, things that a child should not have to go through. I remember I was telling on my brother one time and I received from my brother and a ball point pen stabbing to my back wing blade, no hospital visit, just a bandage. I grew to hate my life, and that was nurtured by future episodes, as a youth I hated to get close to anyone because I formed my opinion on observing the wrong people as my mentors. I was going to live and I spent as much time away from the house each day to avoid being a victim of another abuse that would bring me to tears.

I left my home after the age of 17, we lived in five different places but the place we called home I left at age 17, I didn’t really give my mother an option. She was in tears as I cleared my room out, I said goodbye to a life on my own now. I had a job that I worked that gave my a good amount of money. I wasn’t raised with any clear teaching of the Bible, nor had any idea that God loved me; I didn’t know that He just desired a relationship with me and that Jesus came to save sinners. I was married at age twenty, but no foundation or any morals, just a let’s get married and we will figure out all that later. I was young and was ready for this, I really wanted to go into the marriage and selfish on my part because I thought the family was rich. My life was getting started, I was enjoying all this, and away from what I grew up with; My life was getting better, I married for money and not for love, and with no seriousness or any idea of what commitment was, I never really accomplished anything in my life, all through school, I remember I read one book completely, it was called, Where the red fern grows,” I cheated on tests, I copied peoples homework, I had a grade point average of 1.8, a D average and I had to go from Buena Park High School to La vista High School because the Principal said I can’t walk with my graduating class because I had missed too many classes. And now I was going to start a family, I rushed into it without consideration, because my life was better, and this person loved me, it was good to feel loved, I was searching during my childhood for someone to love me. I didn’t use drugs anymore, but for just a period of time I would be clean, but what was in my heart would manifest itself later. I began to use when my newborn baby was about a month or two old, I would wake up in the morning and use and my daughter would be in the other room, I didn’t want to do that in front of her, I was a dad now, My marriage began to unwind and we were growing distant, it was me, my fault. I put on this charade and the women that married me married a guy who answered her questions and made himself look to be better than he was. I had a emptiness inside, that I was trying to fill. I was trying to fill it with pleasure, with drugs, with sex, with things that made me feel good. These things were temporary and if they satisfied, they satisfied for a time until I could find something to replace it with. I began to neglect my daughter for the drugs, I began to get angry at a four month old when she needed attention, I remember punching a dog because I was so frustrated and that was the way to express it. I tried to get cleaned when it was found out by my wife at the time, but I went through the motions only to appease other people but inwardly knowing that I was going to use again.

I left a thirty day program at the 28th day of being enrolled, I had no intention of quitting, I was a liar and selfish, I took acid that I smuggled in secretly while I was in the program and told a lot of people lies. I left that program, they were located up in Northern California in an area called Angels Camp near Yosemite, or Sonoma Valley. My only desire was to fill this void that I didn’t know I had, I needed something to satisfy, I thought I satisfy it in Harder drugs like Methamphetamines but I didn’t work. The program was having a field trip to the area in Sacramento that was close to my house. The program, was desiring to have a fun time on Halloween, I left with a guy in the program name Chris we went to my house and I grabbed the keys to the car, made a lame excuse to my wife who didn’t believe me, and Chris and I left . I abandoned my family and headed for San Francisco, Chris told me about Heroin and I was looking forward to this new experience. When we got to San Francisco, We began to spend the money we had. It went from sleeping in the Monte Carlo to sleeping on the street. We used everyday, again and again, we stole and robbed to fill our habit, we slept under a bridge on an old mattress that we carried from a nearby a sewer ditch. This was living? This turned into a nightmare, I wasn’t using to feel good, I was using so that I wouldn’t get sick. I had thoughts of my family, but I couldn’t go back to them, what a miserable wretch I am, I can’t be around them like this, I don’t want to expose them to what I had become.

I remember charging up credit cards to just take the merchandise back that I might have the money to pay for my habit; this is what my life has become. I didn’t think that one of the options when asked what I wanted to be when I was older was a Junkie. But that is what I became. I remember calling my wife about a month or so later for help, I was in tears, but she refused to help me, what was I to expect, my dad helped me by opening his house to me in San Diego, and I stayed clean for a while, but started using again, I got a loan to help pay of credit card debt, but instead of that I spent it on drugs. It was a matter of the heart, you can change your surroundings, you can change your environment, you can change who you hang our with, but you can’t change your heart, only God can do that. The One that loved me, and all the time I was asking myself does anyone really love me? I moved away from my dad before he caught onto my using in his house. My using was in the open at my mother’s house, she didn’t know about the hard drugs, but my using was open. I fell down stairs, was a black-out drunk, I would drink a 750ml of Southern Comfort or Vodka and try to drink it myself in a night. I was out of control, my brother became my drug dealer, it was my choice to buy from him, it wasn’t a relationship that brothers should have. I remember one 4th of July during the fireworks, and as the fireworks that were lit in front of my house, I went and would jump through every firework that was lit so I would be the center of attention, I was screaming for attention. Four months before May 5th, I determined that that was it, I didn’t think that I was going to, not preplanned, but that was it, I am tired of this, this is misery, I don’t want to use anymore, I hate it! I was in tears, I was crying, I couldn’t suffocate myself, that’s what I wanted to do, I was done, I didn’t want to live. And I will never forget what happened.

God saved my life, God loves me, I cried out to Him, from that apartment floor, with no idea that He was hearing me, He has been there the whole time, He has seen all that I was going through, He has been waiting for me to call out to Him. They never taught me this at church, the church that I was brought up in didn’t even teach the Bible. He heard my cry from His Holy Hill; He heard my cry from Heaven. I still used for four month after that, and I found myself in Jail a day after the episode that happened on May 5th 1999 when I got in a fight and was charged with Attempted Murder. I went through Jail for one year, had completed a Rehabilitation program, The Phoenix House in Santa Ana, made it through a joint-suspended sentencing where I needed to complete Jail, the Program and three years probation. I made it through all of that. I needed to take one step, and that was to the cross. I received Jesus as my Personal Savior and put my Faith in Him. I have been Born Again, and what He did at the cross saves me, I am so happy to know that the Blood of Jesus cleanses a man from all sin. The Bible says that God so loved the World that He gave His only Begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. I would never trade what I have today for anything, I have a personal relationship with the God who has created all things and I am forgiven in His sight by my faith in what Christ has done for me and not in what I do. The Bible says That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and Believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, with you mouth you make confession unto righteousness and with your Heart you believe unto Salvation, those that call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. He was what I was seeking after the whole time, I was looking to be loved, God loves me, I had an emptiness that only God could fill. And the only way to God is through Jesus. I am no longer a violent person, but I love people, I don’t lie to people or seek to hurt anyone, but I can look people in the eyes today and tell them the truth. I don’t shoot Heroin anymore, I haven’t have to use drugs for eight years, I don’t need them, I am free from all those things that had a grip on my life as if I couldn’t breathe, and now I can, now I have real life.. I aim not to be selfish but seek what I can do for others, I no longer hate, but I love and will go out of my way to put others first. My emptiness isn’t there anymore, but that void is filled, I have real peace in my life and joy that is not artificial but lasting joy, joy that comes from God. I am no longer married, but the divorce was finalized in 1998, and the neglect of my daughter brought countless tears, but since I put God first, I get to see my daughter again, and my relationship with her is growing, my relationship with my mother and brother are ones that have been restored, I love them.

I travel around now and look at how I can help people and all I was seeking I found, I was seeking real fulfillment, and real fulfillment is only found in Jesus. What He did in my life He can do in anyone’s life, anyone that will open their heart to Him. My life went from ashes to beauty. It is a matter of the heart, who has priority in your heart? Only God can change your heart but until you turn from sin and ask Jesus to come in and change your heart you are going to be locked up in prison without bars, only Jesus can set you free, he has come to set the captive free, what will you decide? If you open your heart to Jesus, you will have real peace too, the forgiveness of sin, and eternal life with Him. If you turn from sin and ask Him into your heart you will be saved and know that you will go to Heaven. Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Is your soul at rest? It can be, the choice is yours. If you would come to Christ you will find real life and know that you will be with Him forever in Heaven, if you come to Christ you will have fellowship with God. You don’t need a religion but what you do need is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Call out to Jesus, Whosoever calls upon the Name of the Lord shall be saved.

Jonathan Milton